Welcome to Hollywood,  I'm the Gate keeper

    Perhaps the coolest party I would ever have the chance of attending was going on, and I was not on "the list" ...  Cameron, Lucy, and Drew must have not known that I was in town for the weekend,  for surely if they did, they would have invited me to the premier party.  The movie "Charlie's Angel's" was to premier at Man's Chinese theater in just one day,  so I had only that day to plan my admission,  legal or otherwise. 

    I was in town for a porn convention, and at the theatre that night and the night before  to see the Jimmy Kimmel show. 

 

Me in the green room with Mr.T ,  and yes he did "pity the fool" (the drink?  ..Red Bull and Vodka)

      A good friend's wife is a cousin to the star,  and works on the show as well, so I thought I would ask her first if she could pull any show biz strings and get me into this party.  The direct  approach failed,  and I couldn't get a legal invitation to the event,  as a matter of fact the party producers wouldn't allow admission to anyone from the show in to film a segment,  so they shot the segment through a split in the curtain.  

    I spent an hour or so on Thursday loitering about the lot where the party was to be held,  just behind the theatre where they shoot the Jimmy Kimmel Show.  The Pussycat Dolls were rehearsing,  yet another reason to get in !!   I chatted up the security guard,  a low man on the security totem pole, who obviously never heard the phrase "loose lips,  sink ships".  With only a bit  of fast talk, I was able to get him to confirm the date, and time of the party,  something he was instructed not to do,  but I made him feel important and he was bursting to tell someone,  so I guess I was relieving him of his burden.  

    The party was held in a  parking lot,  specially carpeted for the event.  A huge stage was erected, and the lot was being fenced in with pink velvet ..  an apparent attempt to keep out prying eyes.  I was able to note details of the layout before all of the curtaines were installed,   and in fact the curtains would provide perfect  cover  for any of several planned entrances.

    Day two, party day was at hand.  The movie was to start at 7pm,  the party would begin at 9pm.  it was now about 8:15 when I entered the ally leading to both the Kimmel show, and the party.   I had to talk my way past security on the main street, and in the ally to get to the stage door entrance.  Once in the ally I began planning the first attack,  the fence jump.  My initial thought was that I could simply jump the fence from the ally into the no mans land behind the pink curtain.  Once there it was only a matter of parting the curtain,  a relatively safe entrance to the party area,  but a damn difficult jump over the fence to get me there. 

    I spent plenty of time in the ally watching the party security on the red carpet.  The security guards seemed more interested in celebrity watching than security,  and turned their back to the ally every time someone famous walked by.  My plan was simple,  wait until a big name and entourage were on the carper distracting security,   and I would hop from the cement barrier to the fence, and down onto a fallen street light on the other side.  Once I was halfway over the fence  my movement would be hidden by the tacky pink curtain.  I was going to approach the "sneak in" like Lucy Lue and bust in "Angle Style".

    I thought it best to cover my ass and reveal my plan to the Kimmel show security before hand to see if they would rat me out to their brothers in the security business across the way.  As it turns out the security guard was cool,  and thought it would be fun to watch me try the fence jump,  but he did warn me that in the time I had been loitering around making up my mind on a plan,  an under cover  L.A.P.D. officer had taken up a position in the ally as well..    I thought that guy looked a bit suspicious.  The guards were also kind enough to point out the L.A.P.D. helicopter that was circling overhead,  so for now the plan was foiled.

some stranger is muscling in on a private moment i was sharing with Gwen Stefani from "No Doubt" ("Pink" is in the backround.. somewhere..)

 While rethinking my approach I bumped into a dude in a not perfect fitting tuxedo, hanging in the ally ..  I assumed he was plotting as well.  My suspicions were confirmed only after I confided  to him that I was planning to sneak in too...    we formed a quick friendship and shared our plans,  vowing to beat the system and help the other get in if we were fortunate enough to do so ourselves. 

    Moments after my tuxedoed friend went out to the front of the red carped to scan for loose links in the security chain,  I found another stranger to the back ally.  He was looking sharp, suit and tie,  and perhaps a little to young to be in that outfit as casual wear.  When I first asked him if he was planning to sneak into either of the events, he denied it,  saying he was waiting for a vague "someone".   He eventually admitted that he was in town to see friends but his real goal for the week was to sneak into the playboy mansion to meet Hefner. He had just found out that there was a movie premier going on and decided to try for it as well.  

    I admired this kids ambition,  planning a solo sneak in to either the party or the Kimmel show, so I told him that since he was honest he would be rewarded.   I got him backstage at the Kimmel show, and we had a few drinks in the green room.  He was having a blast mingling and trying to look like he belonged but it was hard to enjoy the show knowing that the party of the universe was going on just outside the studio. 

    We were quickly growing bored with the show, and decided to make another try with the party.  Together we reassess the situation with the L.A.P.D. ,  the guards,  and the fence.  it was decided that if one of us could make it over one of the fences, we would then let the other in through the security exit.  I have a strong fear of becoming someone's bitch in prison so  had to figure out how to get in without the cops seeing me. 

    My new approach was to simply flash my state Pyrotechnition's license to the local fire marshal,  and ask him to give me a walk through as a professional courtesy.   I slipped my I.D. into one of those little hang tags that makes you look official,  and strung it around my neck.  I walked right up to the head of security and asked if " Smith " was the "on call" fireman tonight.  he said "no, Jones is on tonight".  I said "thanks, no wonder I cant seem to find the fireman tonight" as if I actually knew the man and we had a history.  The head guard then pointed behind me and said "here he comes " I thanked the guard and almost pissed my pants,  amazed that my brazen approach was working.  

    I approached the fireman,  and honestly told him that I was planning on sneaking into the party,  and that I would love it if he would help me gett me in.  Hell, I showed him me pyro license,  it looks like I work for the fire department, so I tried for the professional courtesy  angle.  My Bold approach amused the fireman,  and he said that he would get me in ,  just not now, so early in the event,  (it was around 9:10) but that I should catch up with him later. 

    Thinking quickly I decided that I needed this fireman's clout,  I was giving myself credibility by talking with him within view of the guards who were watching the ally.  I asked the fireman about the capacity, and the means of egress,  and how they handled the fire exit issue outdoors,  and he was more  than happy to unfold the entire blue-print for the event,  pointing out all sorts of fire exits that were cut into the fence, with one way panic hardware on them.  This is a design that allows a person to exit the venue in an emergency , but not to enter.  These exits are often tied into an alarm system,  the reasoning being that the  door is opened it must be due to an emergency.   I asked the fireman if the doors were tied into an alarm,  and he told me that it wasn't a requirement in California.  This guy had just given me my way in without even realizing it,  I look official, because we are discussing plans in front of the guards,  so now its OK that I'm there to begin with,  and he has shown me all sorts of exits, and there relation to security guards, and well as the best info of the night,  no alarms on the door. 

    I wanted to find my two new friends to arrange a meet up place on the inside.  Mr. Tuxedo was the first to arrive, and was pleased to hear that my plan sounded like it could work.  I was filling him in on the details of the undercover L.A.P.D. officer and the helicopter overhead, and he was telling me about his information gathering at the front of the carpet, .    

Mr. Tuxedo and that dumb guy from  the TV show "Friends"

 

     My hopes now raised by the fireman,  I stood by the door hoping someone would walk by and I could talk them into opening the door for me,  I had planned on calling to someone on the other side and either asking honestly,  or acting like I was at the party, and had caught my shirt in the gate while I was on my way out, and needed help releasing myself. 

    Luck was on my side as  a holy trinity of events took place,   the undercover cop went into the back stage door of the Kimmel show to use the toilet,  the two guards turned to watch someone on the carpet, as someone from  catering  snuck out for a smoke.  The door was suddenly opened and I had only a split second to decide if I could make it,  I got a thumbs up from the Kimmel show security guard so I slipped in. 

    I called to my tuxedoed friend, but he couldn't make it in time,  he saw the security guards about to turn around so he acted casual  and watched me slip in.  Once inside he assured me that I was not seen, I told him I would be back for him,  and  entered perhaps the coolest party of my life.  I don't know why I was so concerned about fitting in ,  but I was a little paranoid,  so I didn't follow my first instinct by getting Pink a hot fudge Sunday, (the poor girl was sitting alone) instead I pretended to wave to a friend in the distance and slipped into the growing crowd.  

Mr. Tuxedo, Sharon Osbourne, Me, and some drunk dude (Sharon's hand is on my ass!)

     I did make it back for the Tuxedo,  and the Suit,  a bunch of strangers,  two Hasidic Jews, and my friend Eric.  thought the night I must have let in 20 people through the emergency exit, each attempt more brazen that the last.  At one point while I was heading to the door to let in my friend I was approached by a large security guard, and asked if I was letting people in,  I looked up from my pretend cell phone call,  and told him in a pissed off tone that I was on the phone, and asked him to leave me to my privacy... a bold crime deserves a bold attitude !   The guard apologized and left me to my secluded curtained off access door.  It became a joke, most of the people that I let in, were told to give me a second to escape into the crowd, and then come out from behind the curtain finishing a cell call.  This plan was flawless for most of the night,   but while letting my friend Eric in along with two Hassidic Jews that I found at the gate,  we somehow got the signals crossed,  he was not clear.   The red carpet Gestapo saw him enter.  This little guard ran her fat ass off to catch up with him,  Eric had made it better than halfway into the venue before he was apprehended, and escorted out.  luckily I found his wife who had somehow entered the party with her friends, with contacts at the door.  Micki was able to find Eric, and get him credentials and get him back into the party...  

    During the night I got photos with Hefner at his bed,  Gwen Stefani (Pink might be in the background, damn that girl never sits still) a sort of photo with Kelly Osborne,  a nice photo with Sharon Osborne , I think she patted my ass (don't tell Ozzy),  photos with a few pole dancers,  and had a grand time.    Its all good !!

    We snuck in , drank their liquor, chatted up the babes, and ate like pigs...    this party was perfect,  plenty of great food and drink, ........and girls on swings

I am the Damn Gate Keeper !    I win !  Welcome to Hollywood !